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ACG Rants

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From: Barbarella
Subject: vidi vici vini
Date: Friday, 27 July 2001 13:54 

(this got a bit longer than i intended, sorry... sorta got me ranting,
it did...)



You know you're bored at work when you start taking the quizzes in old
copies of women's magazines left in the patient waiting area.  :)

I've just taken the "Are You Good _Enough_ In Bed? - the quiz HE wants
you to take!" in the November 2000 edition of Cleo.  

Well.  You'll all be tickled pink, I'm sure, to hear that I come in
nicely into the highest possible score bracket (the *cough* "Wet 'n'
Wild" category).  Gotta love some of this...  

    "You're every male's wildest fantasy (although the reality might
scare a few men off).  Hardly a day goes by without you thinking about
or engaging in sex [1], and there's very little you won't try. Heck,
there may even be a few moves you've invented.  Proud of your sexual
prowess, your technique is flawless, and you're more than willing to
take the lead when it comes to sharing your expertise - you actually
give 'physical education' a whole new meaning. Be careful not to
frighten guys off with your obvious sexuality. [2]"

Wow.  Gee.  I feel so empowered.  :)

A few questions struck me as somewhat interesting though.  See what
y'all think of these examples...

Q.12.  During sex I usually think about:
       a) Getting down and dirty with any, or all the guys (or girls for
that matter) that I've come into contact with that day.
       b) Russell Crowe, Jude Law...
       c) A work project/shopping/the peeling paint on the ceiling.
       d) All the things I have to do after we've finished.

Erm... excuse me, but what about "The person who just happens to be
_inside me_ at the time" for chrissakes???

And this one...

Q.13   Do you orgasm during sex?
       a) I orgasm just thinking about it.
       b) Usually.
       c) Never.
       d) I'm not sure.

What?  Can't we have a "Sometimes"?  Does it have to be all or nothing?

Then there's this little piece of wonderfulness - 

Q.14. He's climaxed, gone soft and you're left feeling unfulfilled. Are
you more likely to:
      a) Demand he satisfy you by stimulating you to orgasm.
      b) Finish things off yourself while he's having a shower.
      c) Deal with your frustration quietly and go to sleep.

What the crying fuck?!  What about "Be adult and realistic enough to
accept that it doesn't always happen and not be such a fuckstick about
it and just cuddle up and talk or snog for the next few hours"?

When did women get so... so... *sigh* BITCHY about whether or not they
come?  It's not the be-all and end-all, for godssakes.  Is a perfectly
deliriously wonderful fuck suddenly a total nonevent if the earth
doesn't move at the end of it?  I was almost 25 before I EVER came with
a guy.  It didn't stop me from enjoying sex!  Didn't mean I didn't love
being fucked.  I just thought I was one of those women who just don't
come that way...  I can't imagine making a guy feel like he's "failed"
because he hasn't managed to get me off - it's the sex that's the
important thing.  I can give _myself_ orgasms, but I can't fuck myself
or hold myself or kiss myself or moan sweetly into my own ear or cuddle
up to myself afterwards.

Grrrr.

My other sticking point with the whole thing, of course, was that I lost
points on the "What's your favourite position for intercourse?" question
because I just happen to find that the poor ol' Missionary position
feels fanfuckingtastic for me and my body.  Can somebody please explain
to me what is supposed to be so "boring" and "unimaginative" and
"conservative" about having a beautiful man on top of you and being able
to have your cunt and your clit stimulated at the same time?  

Double grrrr.

You sorta have to feel sorry for any young women out there who're
gullible enough to take what the women's magazines force feed to them
without any grain of salt whatsoever.  (feel even _more_ sorry for the
young guys who'll have to try and satisfy those young women! *grin*)

*sigh*  Am I alone in all this?


Barbarella.

[1] "Hardly a day goes by without you thinking about" sex??  A _DAY_?! 
What about "hardly an hour", "hardly a minute", "hardly a goddamn
nanosecond goes by..."?   :)~

[2] Why should *I* have to be "careful not to frighten guys off" with my
"obvious sexuality"?  If they're too gutless to try me, then fuck 'em!
(figuratively speaking, naturally *grin*)  I don't care about - and
certainly don't want to get intimate with - any bloke who reckons I'm a
scary bogey woman for enjoying sex.  Any guy who thinks that way, as far
as I'm concerned, would make a lousy fuck.  Frankly.  Let 'em be
frightened off - I won't have to deal with them then.  :)